T minus 1h until take off
T minus 3h until the drugs start to wear off
Destination: Austin, TX with a layover in Phoenix, AZ
Flhying, in any elevated capacity, is a recipe for paranoia, risk of heart attack, early onset baldness, oily skin, diabetes types 1-7Z. Other symptoms may include vomiting, dizziness, mild euphoria, a skewed sense of time, nausea, spotting around the webbing of the fingers, and psychic battles with personal demons. It is not recommended that those with a sensitivity to the behavior of small children fly with us today. Halitosis is expected.
You will likely see at least one girl you’d like to talk to during your stay here at SFO. Approach no one. You are in a major international airport. The year is 2012. The paranoia is so thick in the air, they sell soup bowls of it for $8 with a side salad.
My God, it’s begun.
The sneezing! The sneezing!
It has become apparent that the arteries of commercial airlines are becoming clogged. Too many fattys with too much shit. Now please, for the love of God and America, turn off your phone sir. ‘Full off’, please.
The part where you take off your shoes, after the x-ray machine. It moved too fast. The shoes, the belts, thew alleys, all must be repersoned.
BANG! My belongings, or their remainder anyway, fly over themselves and onto the floor. I had taken too long, and instead of waiting, the grey plastic tubs of crap just kept coming through. They’ll think I’m a T for sure now. Or at least a P DUB. Person Displaying Unusual Behavior.
One strike. Mark it.
Failed to reperson belongings in allotted time. One demerit.
Assessment: No sign of any issues yet. Most likely a non-carrying drug user. NCDU.
No, scratch that. Too inefficient.
NCSU. Say it with me! En-See-Soo.
Think of the seconds we’ll save! Seconds into minutes. Minutes into hours.
Don’t strain your voice attendant! I know your speaking over jumbo jet engines, but I may sue if I can claim that the attendant had a ‘combative tone’.
“I don’t know why he was so angry with us all, Your Honor, but the way he told - No! Demanded! - we sit back and enjoy the ride - whatever he meant by that I’m not sure and don’t care to know, I’m a Bible believing Christian, you see - well I broke down right then and there”.
The airlines would be deemed incompetent for the private sector to handle any longer. After all, our citizens certainly deserve more than this. The government is more powerful, more capable, more able to serve you. We love you, the American People. You are the Heart of America.
A large woman’s belly fails to phase through my forearm. She doesn’t stop or apologize. This is obviously routine.
Full governmental control of travel would spell hopelessness. No way in, no way out. If we are unfortunate enough to witness another Kinetic Action Against Freedom, we are really in for it.
The inside of my nose is going dry and numb. My heart is healing, but the booze has left my immunities in questionable order.
The water cart slowly makes its way towards the end of town, and I feel a sleep coming on